My Sunday

While mopping the floor at home… I did some reflection of my days; and my thoughts just flowed through my mind…
I am writing them down.
Yesterday, instead of going JB straight, I changed my mind, to join my old uni friends for a picnic at East Coast. They used to be my kaki, somebody you could talk whatever you want. It was nice, the feeling of meeting them. Although we’d change since then, but yet the rusting friendship and the old-frens talk, are always too comfortable. They had walked into my life and we shared the most beautiful time in the hostel life.

So, what about my beautiful Sunday?
It is not very beautiful, but at least, I am happy with it. In fact, I didn’t do anything…
Morning, a form 6 male friend fetched me out for breakfast. My curious mum keeps asking me about him. Perhaps she is sourcing for me. He is just another old friend, going into his entrepreneurship and looking for support. We talked about it and I think, it is really interesting to find a friend with such courage. But his eyes are filled with his business. He is not, thinking and feeling the same needs as me, for now.
I came back home and read newspaper. Obama visits Accra, the capital of Ghana. Oh, my Ghana friends, Charles, Godfred, Kofi & Walter must be very happy. Perhaps they were there welcoming Obama. Next page – the riot-hit in XinJiang, China. It was featured a Han Chinese, family of 4 members, all were killed (separated in pieces) and burned. The next story, about how Uighurs helped a couple of Han Chinese to escape from the riot. I recalled what my friend had mentioned to me, the Indonesian Chinese tragedy 10 years ago. I am really fortunate to be a Malaysian Chinese, having no worry about the essential needs, and a safe and peaceful environment.

Later I went online and found an interesting website that you could edit your photos easily. I was obsessed about it, can’t help to try out some works. Just see below, the lomo-style:

Later in the afternoon, mum and I went out for a jogging (she walked, of course). Wind flow through my face. Nice!

This is the 4th Sunday since my return from Holland. Yes, it’s already 4 weeks, the same duration as I stayed there. Throughout these 4 weekends, I returned my home, with no plan to go out, just some random tea session, shopping, jogging and visiting. The rest of the time, I read newspaper, watch tv/dvd/news, posting my photos, emailing my missing friends, msn, facebook, and also, little bit of blogging. In fact, my usual kaki are no longer here, in JB with me. I used to look up a lady friend for chatting or ktv, but nowadays she is always busy or engaged; yuchang, the mindless man left for Japan; Tracy, the loudest and garang lady, is in London exploring her life… what’s more about my secondary school gang, those already married with their babies… emm… where to go?

I really felt lonesome, be it in JB or in Singapore. I am just like a half-half M'sian. Enjoying the benefits of both sides… but losing out something, which I do not know how to describe.

Perhaps the only reason to come back is to visit my mum, whose husband had passed away since I was 14. I felt guilty for not going back JB. She is always there, welcoming my return, and talk to me here and there whenever I am at home. Last night, while we were watching TV, as she sees me toooo relax and do nothing at home (always with computer), she suddenly said that – "leng, you don’t have to come back every weekend, and you should go out for some activities, you know, in Chinese way, you are already 28 and not young anymore…" I was surprised, for the green light that she had given. I think she is worried about me and my future. What she had told me is what I am going to tell her.

I plan to let her know that in future I am going to take up my French class, and may not come back every weekend. She is fine nowadays, accompanied by my nephew on weekdays and some Saturday. I am pretty sure on things that I dislike, but I do not know what I like. Emm… why? Shouldn’t we leading our own life, but not lead by the surroundings?

Emm, perhaps it is the influence of Dutch and my friends from India, Ghana, and the scary Nepal friend. After floating for 4 weeks since my return, it seems to be the right time to step out. I have no clue on my direction yet, whether to settle down? or to continue my searching? But it should be the way I wish and happy with. I am enjoying refreshing friendships and loves, new adventure!

Ok, second half of 2009, My Sunday. The end of my journey in Holland, the new beginning.

生活是晴天阴天晴天阴天周而复始

取自 星洲日报《星期天》

好好生活，快乐生活

生活里，总会有心情掉落谷底的时候，像突然失去飞行能力的魔女，不管怎样努力，就是飞不起来。生活中，总会遇到这样让人感觉很无力的时候。焦虑是没有用的，而且好像谁也帮不上忙，这时候，只有把自己放空，把注意力调离开去，不要想飞不起来的事。
难题不是每次都能迎刃而解。

惟有自我放松和放空，找到自己的生活小点子，好好生活，快乐生活。风起的时候，再度飞行。

I was really down for a while, but I’m ok now!

郁郁不乐的人，我们等待你开口说这一句话。

看到这一篇时，才发现原来很多人和我一样。

生活是晴天阴天晴天阴天周而复始~

心情不好时，我会…

1. 回家。看看中文报，上msn 串门子。
2. 把心情写在部落格上，就像跟第三者倾诉一样，暂时抒发当下的不愉快。文字原来可以整理思绪，看看自己忧郁的那颗心。
3. 写email, 把一些小故事写下，好像做一个记录和写照。
4. 上facebook。今时今日是facebook的天下。也可以在小天下里找到快乐。Facebook看似虚，我们却可以在里面用最真实的语言和情感作交流；即使我们只是农夫，都无损我们是朋友的事实。（取自《星期天》）
5. 好好洗个澡，躺在床上什么都不作，脑袋完全放空。躺够了就起来，把郁闷留在床上。人生啊，不过如梦一场，何必动气？

原来我们都一样。谢谢《星期天》，感觉我的所做所为，获得好大好大的认同。

过渡期

回来超过两个星期了。

上个星期的星期六和星期日，不管是12点还是1点睡觉，我都很‘正常’的睡到早上11.30起床。醒来时，一片茫然。

时差？

是不能适应，还是不想适应。心里或许还在挣扎着，不想和当时的生活，感觉脱节。在荷兰的四个星期的日子，真的太美好。虽然我满口否认，潜意识中却一直都期待着人生中的这一段旅程。

突然之间结束了。

回来那天，我一个人搭的士回到没有人的Admiralty，昏昏沉沉的，心空荡荡的。还无法收回来，也不想收回来。接下来的几天，见了好多的朋友，亲人，同事，好喜欢他们的陪伴。可是深夜躺在床上，翻来覆去睡不着，不断的想起四个星期里所做的事。或许一部分是因为他，可是很大部分是因为在那里的体验。

上个星期日，睡到11.30起床。吃了妈妈的‘早餐’，开电视，看看报纸。副刊星期天竟然介绍一个在英国的资助旅行团。原来这里离那里还不是那么远。接着我姐来了，拉我去shopping。我买了几件衣服，Europe牌子，我喜欢。下午，我一个人驾着车，在附近兜着，听歌。

对阿，这是我的家乡，不回来这儿，要去那里？想着想着，心里开始计划未来。我想要的日子。

Kayu前几天msn跟我说的：no matter where you are and what you doing, make good use of your free time. 这句话一直在我的脑海里，一直一直这样说着。

那天晚上12点，一躺在床上，疲倦的我马上不知不觉地睡着。

Finally, Jet Lag is over.

失落的幸福

给生命一段， 自我放逐的旅行
目的地对自己保密

偶尔带领自己远离开人群， 想一想孤单的原因
若寂寞是生命必须承受之轻， 晚一点恋爱也可以

从熟悉的城市逃离， 找地图上没有的天晴
我的眼睛和情绪， 太容易下雨


又再度的练习别离。我啊，还是门外汉。

可是，我竟然可以挥手笑着，目送你上车，离开。

你走后，我并没有马上回家。迎着冷风，我一个人走在你常陪我去的购物街。
好冷，于是我把双手放进口袋里。 我买了一些东西来满足自己，接着独自走着。想找个人陪我吃冰淇淋。

突然小巷传来很好听的旋律。我就被牵引着转进巷子里。走了几步我楞了一下，那里竟然是我们，昨晚去的那间，有liveband 的bar。那时你很喜欢，叫我进去。这是一间小巧的bar, 老板本人就是band的一员。我们点了cola，没有啤酒。这是你第一次和最后一次，请我喝的水。你站着，而我坐在你身边，听了三首歌。

现在这bar里，没有你喜欢的liveband，而是我喜欢的慢歌。一个女生和一位吉他手，在唱着一首我听不懂的荷语歌。

我站着，突然泪水湿了眼眶。

这是我们的约会。

或许在异乡，微妙的情愫异常容易产生。可是头一回，心这样的被温暖着。我无法面对对你的感觉，因为现实是那么的苦涩和无奈。

我一个人在飞机上，一直想起你和我，又一直拼命的责骂自己。心揪着，难道我不能拥有幸福的爱情吗？

原来幸福可以很失落。

照片里，只有我们被夕阳照得长长的影子。

虽然你永远都看不懂，可是还是想说声谢谢。这段日子，麻烦你了。

不想再练习道别了，在光影之中，

我相信我会和幸福，

再次相遇。

Until then, be good.

感动加分

昨天msn的代号换成一句很简单：i miss home。

只是一个星期没回家而已，想家，因为她是避风港。 还是为了工作，无形又巨大的压力。几个可以很简单，也可以很复杂的case。是黑是白，是公正是偏私，是谎言，还是事实。心里的价值观好像naruto和九尾狐的挣扎。到了最后，只有四个字：浪费时间！感觉很挫败，又气自己。

所以很想家，过悠闲的日子。

今天去拍照了。奔走了五个钟头，在收工时突然想起一直以来要问李先生，我的老师的问题：
L: Francis, what is the use of the lens hood even thought it is at night?
F: not only sunlight, the hood can be use to block other lights (point to a spot light). Also, when you miss home, go back home, take some photos on your nieces, they will shout and point the fingers to your lens, so your hood will protect your lens too.... after you settle all your disputes

我看着他，笑密密的眼。惊讶，眼眶一刹那的湿热。出其不意的一个陌生人的几句话触动了我的心。对啊，我真的想家。

我俩是非常陌生的师徒。除了拍照，msn (没聊天的)，facebook (add 了就算的那种), 和multiply (纯粹用来上传摄影类照片)。 i miss home在msn只挂了一天半，having prolonged dispute 在facebook也已经换了。他又懂我有很多可爱的外甥女？想想原来我有传过一些他们的照片在multiply里。或许李先生的天性，也是他的专长，可以看透人心的专业摄影师。李先生曾经教过，说拍照: you must feel for your subject, taking photo is just about telling the reader how you FEEL for it... 我常常乱拍一通，因为真的没有感觉，也没有情绪。

好了，看一下今天最有感觉的...

克拉码头的街灯

我们一起走过... 那岁月

11点半会到家。妈妈留了菜给我。尽然有昨天吃不到的臭豆！还保着温的包饭，已加热的药膳汤，我想妈妈也在等我回来。老妈虽然已睡了，那份贴心，让我很温暖。

有时在msn, facebook, flickr, multiply 等等等，留下点点滴滴的心情。虽然不经意，却是忙碌人向读者传达的小讯息。照片里的美景，不是要hao lian，而是要你看到那笑脸 > 我很好。眼睛所看到的人与事，轻易的叫人深信不疑。孰不知，除了看，我们还要读，这样才会读懂。

谢谢各位关心过我的人，哪怕只是一丁点。

2009 No.1

生日的时候，想上来写写‘感言’。圣诞节的时候，想说说我的庆祝活动。2008年的最后一天，想纪录一下这一年发生的‘大事件’。2009开始的那一天，想写下自己的愿望和大计。

这些，还来不及到此一游，就被有限的时间吹走。过期的感觉，发霉的风言风语，来不及。和朋友联系，来不及。身边的人，来不及。想做的事，来不及。想关心的人，来不及。

好了，还是言归正传。

现在我每个星期二和四上日语课了，搞得我头昏脑胀。一个星期少了两个晚上，msn 上的少了，心电图更是没声没息。虽然忙，可是还很开心。或许那种‘重返课堂’和古老的日语教学方式，是我久违的，怀念的时光。也或许，有几个朋友一起，下班后的晚上有了一些同伴。

前几天为了挖一本簿子来写日语，发现一本就日记本。那是我的私密地图，跨越中六，马大昙花一现的师徒情，和sheares hall里的点点滴滴，恩恩怨怨。2002年的一天，我的地图写尽了失望，不解，彷徨，孤独，和无法释怀。日记真的纪录下当下的心情，好真实，又遥远的自己。我读着，看到了以前的自己，原来成长就是这么一回事。好开心，因为我早已释怀，没有遗憾。我现在很好，有工作，有钱花，有家人朋友，还有学习，生活忙却很充实。

关心我的朋友，总是希望我早点结束漂泊的日子，总是问我，花落谁家？2008感情交了白卷，不是我没有努力，而是老天都爱开我的玩笑。右手掌的短掌是否藏着玄机，我不管。老天爷，不要让我在错的时间遇到对的人，希望2009可以有点突破。

祝大家新年快乐！